When the concept of self-care first emerged, it meant long baths, pedicures, and wine — lots of wine. But, gradually, the concept has evolved into something more akin to self-compassion and genuine, healthy habits for protecting and providing for our mental and physical health. Self-care can include everything from understanding and employing healthy boundaries in our relationships, to learning how and when to ask for help, to shedding the grip of society on our body image, sex positivity, and much more.
The National Institute of Mental Health defines self-care as “taking the time to do things that help you live well and improve both your physical health and mental health. When it comes to your mental health, self-care can help you manage stress, lower your risk of illness, and increase your energy.”
As someone who is raising young people, I’m eager to help them learn how to provide themselves with self-care early in life. The sooner they can count themselves top among the people who deserve their attention, the better. While fostering empathy and community-mindedness, I’m hoping to avoid the harmful lessons I internalized when I was their age: like how sacrifice is paramount to goodness and that focusing on myself is selfish, even sinful. What messages can we give our kids now to establish a healthy sense of self going forward?
1. It’s important to feel. “Feelings are for feeling,” author Glennon Doyle says. As in, let’s teach our kids that it’s normal to expect to feel many different emotions every day and they shouldn’t reject them because they’re scary or uncomfortable. We also don’t have to act on every one of them. We can sit with them and learn to discern. If our kids can get good at handling the cacophony of feelings inside them, they won’t feel such a need to try to numb the emotions with dangerous substances and habits. Practical ways kids can do this?Meditation, quiet, solo walks, time spent without activity or entertainment, journaling, and exercises that get them to identify and express feelings.
2. It’s important to ask for help. Vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness, shame and vulnerability researcher, Dr. Brené Brown reminds us. Kids should be allowed to have needs and to not know everything. We can teach them to become self-sufficient without feeling ashamed when they need support. We teach them to approach the world and themselves, with curiosity instead of judgement, and to trust themselves to know the things they can do on their own and the things with which they need help. Practical ways kids can do this? Recall things that have been hard for them in the past that they have overcome with patience and practice. Support the process of learning as much or more as the outcome. Encourage them to accept that they’re worthy of care and support. Assume the best of them, that they’re trying and growing- they’ll learn to do the same.
3. It’s important to get the care they need. Let’s destigmatize mental healthcare for our kids. We talk a lot about taking care of our kids’ bodies, insisting that they eat broccoli and brush their teeth and get preventative pediatric care and medical help when they’re injured or ill. We need to teach them to do the same for their mental health. Practical ways kids can do this? When appropriate, mental health services should be utilized —often schools and community programs are available without requiring significant resources. Again, the idea is for children to learn to be open in discussing their feelings — especially the hard ones; grief, loss, worry, doubt. There are great books available to help kids through the process.
4. It’s important to take care of their ENTIRE bodies. Girls and boys should be taught all aspects of maintenance and care for their bodies from an early age. They should be given information on anatomy and physiology and what to expect for healthy and normal development in neutral, positive ways. They should have the opportunity to ask questions and explore ideas with a trusted adult. Practical ways kids can do this? There are a lot of great sex positive books and programs available. As girls get older, they should have access to gynecological services. According to Michigan-based OBGYN, Dr. Amy Heeringa, “Unless there’s an issue earlier, I start seeing girls between eighteen and twenty-one, and cancer screening pap smears start at age twenty-one, regardless of sexual activity. I like to have their first GYN encounters be positive, where they can feel comfortable asking about sex, contraception, and all concerns over their bodies.”
5. It’s important to seek joy and pleasure. This is a big one that could save our kids a lot of hurt and disappointment. They need to get to know their bodies, their boundaries, their desires, so they can selectively pursue people who will honor their needs. Part of self-care is evaluating what we want not just what we think we should want, what we need, or what those around us want. Let’s teach them that they owe themselves high quality love. Practical ways kids can do this? Embrace their hobbies, help foster their creativity, make sure they have access to resources about things that pique their interests. As we begin sexual education with our girls, make sure they first learn their own bodies’ needs and wants.
6. It’s important to nourish our bodies. Early and often check in on your children and their relationship with food to make sure they are not falling victim to disordered eating. And, never forget, as adults we can model kindness to our bodies so our children can learn to appreciate theirs. Food and exercise are about strengthening and nourishing our bodies and minds. Practical ways kids can do this? Go for walks as a family, enjoy food together, share in the cooking and food preparation so it is a joyful part of their lives full of connection and intimacy. Don’t be afraid to point out the negative body image propaganda they encounter in the media and elsewhere. Investigate it so they know that even if it’s everywhere, it’s not right.
7. It’s important to sleep well and to rest. Hustling harder and harder until we crash is not the way to love ourselves or to succeed. Let’s teach our girls that they can listen to themselves and know when it’s time to rest and that they deserve it.
Even as adults, these lessons can be difficult to internalize and enact in the world. It’s crucial to remember that self-care is not something you achieve, but rather something you learn and relearn throughout your life, over and over, again. Getting our kids on board early with self-care will help them recognize their own importance, identify their own wants and needs, and make choices that are worthy of their wonderful selves.
Sarah Zimmerman is a freelance writer in Northern California and is working on her first novel. In past lives,, she has been a Physician Assistant in Women's Health and the owner of a vegan ice cream business. Sarah writes about marriage, sex, parenting, infertility, pregnancy loss, social justice, and women's mental and physical health, always with honesty and humor. She has written for Ravishly, Cafe Mom, Pregnant Chicken, and more and can be found at sarahzwriter.com and on Medium, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and TikTok at @sarahzwriter.
