Funny Joke Of The Day | LaffGaff, Home Of Fun And Laughter (2024)

I saw an opera about a rodent that goes round letting the air out of tyres.

Deflator Mouse.

What do you call weightlifting vegetables?

Muscle sprouts.

I’m not saying I’m old.

I’m just saying that my dinner time and my bed time are getting dangerously close to each other.

I’m looking for ways to keep my thumbs warm in fingerless gloves.

Any tips?

The doctor asked me how long I’d had amnesia.

I said, “For as long as I can remember.”

I got into an accident and I was surprised when the doctor handed me a report saying that my fingers were all broken.

The news was hard for me to grasp.

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose.

I’m writing a song about getting my door lock replaced.

There’s a key change at the end.

I bought some oats for my horse but returned them because they were poor quality.

The manager took my feedback.

A friend of mine hurt himself trying to jump over a wall whilst dressed as a clown.

It was his own stupid vault.

Why don’t you see many tortoises wearing scarves?

They have turtlenecks.

I used to wonder who flipped a vampire’s pancakes.

Turns out it’s Count Spatula.

I tried doing 100 sit-ups but I didn’t finish.

My stomach couldn’t handle that kind of ab use.

My advice to anyone wanting to climb the mountains between France and Spain:

You will need strong legs and a good Pyrenees.

I swapped my boat for a new ship I hadn’t seen before.

I thought it was worth a punt.

I like to put coriander on my blended tomatoes.

It’s soup herb.

What do you call a pair of inspirational shoes?

Motivational sneakers.

I’ve decided to get a new doorbell.

Don’t knock it until you try it.

I’m having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep.

I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

What do you call a walking mosquito?

An itch-hiker.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk in the local park.

So basically, she sells C cells by the seesaw.

They had to evacuate my local music festival when a band did a cover of Boogie Wonderland.

It set off the Earth, Wind and Fire alarm.

My wife woke up the other day with a puzzled look on her face.

She’d fallen asleep on her crossword.

I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels.

She said, “Yes, try Sarah Topps.”

I went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole.

He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.

Did you hear about the man who only paid 5 cents for a prosthetic eye?

His name was Nikolai.

What do you get when you eat Uranium?

Atomic ache.

I went to a meeting of recovering hackers.

It was called Anonymous Anonymous.

I’ve started taking engraving lessons.

There’s still so much to learn, we’ve only just scratched the surface.

I tried watching a beaver documentary.

The stream kept stopping.

Want to know one of the most important lessons in learning how to play guitar?

Stay tuned.

A friend once told me, “You can’t go around saving everyone. They have to learn to save themselves.”

Great friend. Terrible lifeguard.

After ten years as Director of the “Ladder Enthusiasts Coalition”…

I’ve decided to step down.

Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?

He wanted a well-balanced meal.

A friend of mine was in a great U2 tribute band.

Then they lost their Edge.

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn’t wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed anytime I wanted.

Turns out that is 9 pm.

I asked the librarian for a book on “Finding Bigfoot”.

She directed me to the large print section.

I had to give up my career as a photographer.

I kept losing focus.

I cook by making up a recipe and adding a German white wine.

It’s an add hock approach to cooking.

I walked by a rehab center the other day.

The sign on the lawn said, “Keep off the grass”.

Who is the saddest person in the pasta factory?

The guy who’s filling cannelloni.

My friend lost his job as a journalist at a classic rock magazine through musical differences.

He was always giving rave reviews.

I parked in a hospital car park today.

The attendant came up and said, “This is for badge holders only”.

I said, “But I’ve got a bad shoulder”.

My friend has joined a cult that worships black holes.

I’d hate to get sucked into something like that.

I went to a really bad manicure competition yesterday.

It was nail-biting.

I just received a letter saying my friend bequeathed me a very expensive antique watch.

I really hope it’s not a wind up.

I saw a book called “Ten Steps To Improve Your Long Jump”.

I thought, “That’s cheating”.

What do you call a medieval lamp?

A knight light.

I bumped into an old friend today.

I thought he’d be happy to see me, but he just kept going on about the damage to his car.

I took my friend to see the world’s biggest fan for his birthday.

He was blown away.